I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
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