Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
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she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
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Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I just forgot I was standing up.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I just gargled with NyQuil
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice