I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
