he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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