The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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