They should really pass out barf bags in church
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
