woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
