I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
All I want is dick and wine.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
