I think I won the penis lottery.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
