I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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