I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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