She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
