Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize