Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Who died my cat blue again?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
