this beer tastes like vomit already
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
