yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
