I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
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As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
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Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
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