The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
