he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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