Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
