My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize