I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
