I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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