If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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