Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
