I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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