No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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