i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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