If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize