i think my tv is drunk
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
