Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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