sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
