He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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