I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
