TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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