If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
