Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
