I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
