I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
