p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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