Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
My breasts were aching with rage.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
