I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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