I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
