just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
