Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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