I showed him my bush... on skype.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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