Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
