Pappa wants mamma naked
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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