My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
the day after is always just damage control
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
