peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Randomize
