That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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