I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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