His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
