Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
