I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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