If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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