i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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