god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
