You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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