i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Randomize
