Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
