I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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